What it must be like...

 Have you ever wondered what it must be like to live every day in a fight or flight. Trauma is a scar you can see in the brain it does not go far. It blackens your soul, so you keep others away, always expecting them to be the same way. One flag, two flags, and more. Everyone has flags that's all you see anymore. I'm too scared to talk or walk away, so continue as you are as you know no other way. Be perfect. You know it's you that caused the fight today. If you just smile, grin and bear, make sure you have everything prepared. Don't ask where he was or why the bills haven't been paid. You know he is stressed you made him this way. Wait, no, what did I do? I asked a question I'm allowed to. No, you're not you, silly girl he told this all before you make him angry because you're such a bisch, and a whore. Remember, no feelings stare at the floor. Don't breathe too loud or seem scared he blamed you for that be prepared. Don't ask him to do the dishes that's not for him to do, do it all, and hope for a few, few minutes of silence time to breathe. Take a shower, let it out scream. Make sure the music is loud so he can't hear you crying out loud. Get out the shower, take a deep breath, and you got through the day. Maybe tomorrow will be ok. Wake up the same routine until you're no longer yourself, it seems. You look in the mirror, nothing to be seen. You have now flipped it off. You see you hiding in the only place you still have sanity deep with your brain to hide. I'll be waiting for you to let me in when you decide. Here it is another day. I pissed him off for being this way. God, why can't I just be whatever it is he needs. You break through past him trying to get free, and you're not one but two, three sets of tears. My brain said it's time you see it wasn't you it was the trauma your recieved let me out. I'll set you free, grab those beautiful babies, and flee. Don't turn around or listen to his lies he will make you promises and say he will compromise. Baby, I promise it will never happen again. I will go to counseling, and I will let you in. You finally know this all to be lies, though you are scared you finally listen to your heart and no longer hide. Someone who loves would never make you fear someone who is supposed to hold you near. I may never find love from a man again because there's just a part of me that will never fully let them in. A vivid picture I will never unsee my babies staring at me no words needing to be said because there is no fear a mama can't see or defeat when her babies eyes softly plead mommy we love this isn't what you need. We walked away with many memories of many days of teaching my kids what is the wrong way. I will spend the rest of my time showing them its all ok. Mommy's back, and she is here to stay. I'm not perfect, but I promise I'll make it all ok. Never again will I hide away never again will I make you say not even with words we can't stay. No situation will come again that I wouldn't protect you with everything I can. 

By Michelle Chamberlin 

All rights reserved by: Michelle Chamberlin